WINDOW OF TOLERANCE AS A SPECIAL NEEDS MUM
What should have been a 2 week autumn school break but it turned into 4 weeks, with public holidays book ending it, and then Mackenzie got sick sickness for 1.5 weeks.
I can hold it all on my own with grace, most of the time. Over the years I've built up the capacity to have patience, to accept the present moment, and to see clearly into the nature of reality as it's unfolding without expectation or projection.
And despite that, I still have a window of tolerance. Window of tolerance, developed by Dan Siegel, explains the zone of arousal in which we are able to function effectively. I believe the high stress and high demand nature of my role as a special needs mother has expanded my mid-zone arousal levels so the boundaries are far beyond what they used to be. They had to grow, because the very nature of caring for another person in the capacity that do, as a solo parent and a carer to a child with a disability, meant that if I'd stayed within the confines of that previous baseline, I would have gone into 'hyper/o arousal' on a daily basis.
My zone is large, my tolerance is high - very high. So when the boundary of that threshold is pushed, I'm done; instantly. I can hold it and hold it and hold it, until I suddenly can't hold it anymore. At that point, it takes a huge amount of energy, and emotional integrity to hold the line, when all I want to do is fucking scream.
This happened to me after solo caring for Mackenzie. And I noticed I go into hyperarousal AND hypoarousal when the boundary is smashed. I felt so angry. I said NO with force, when I usually succumb and say yes, even when I don’t want to. I also checked out of parenting - I stopped cooking healthy meals and made easy dinners instead. I spent a lot of time in my room alone and got easily frustrated by all the things Mackenzie can't do.
In these moments when the threshold bubbles over all my unhealed triggers flood my awareness. I’m triggered by my isolation. I'm triggered by having to be the one that carries the weight of the burden all the time. I'm triggered by her inabilities. I'm triggered by having no back up, no partner who wanted to be there to help her. To help me.
I can tend to Mackenzie's incessant needs and repetitive tendencies over and over again within my expanded window of tolerance, and then I can't handle one more of her idiosyncrasies, her ridiculous requests, or smart ass autistic comments. I can't stand that she is the ultimate sloth, or can't be entertained at home in any other way than listening to music, often the same goddamn tunes on repeat.
I can be equally grateful for things like the fact that she can talk when I was told she might not, or the fact that she knows what she wants, because neurological impairment could have altered her cognisance more than it did, or the fact that she can use an iPad, despite being blind. And also so incapable of caring about any of it because the ultimate truth lands - she's not neurotypical. When I'm over the threshold, despite all the things she can do, there weighs a heavy task on my heart that I've had to carry, with grace, and flair. Until it feels like pulling shit through the mud.
In these moments I’m reminded there’s more healing to do. Or perhaps, I've done enough, and it's ok that I handle a lot with grace, and a little without. Maybe these raw truths are the key to my human life - precious and beautiful, hard and ugly. Maybe, my window of tolerance, is what keeps me grounded.
I don't know. I guess it doesn't even matter. It's just what was real for me this week.
I sent Mackenzie to school two days earlier than her sickness suggested, because it wasn't a healthy energetic space for us to be together anymore. Whilst she never wears the brunt of my truth, I never tell her I'm about to explode and can't tolerate the dynamics between us anymore. But I have no doubt she can feel it, sense it.
Once there was space I did all the things I know to help shift my funk - nature walk, humming, meditating, yoga, reading, baking, sitting in the sun on the earth, plant shopping, and having time alone. And then a Jiu Jitsu class the next night that generated a nervous system reset and dropped me back into my window of tolerance. It took 24 hours, but I came back. And I'm ok.
If you're pushed to the edges of your window of tolerance, I hope you recognise it, hold it, own it, and have resources to bring you back. We're human, after all. And we're not really meant to hold it all, anyway.
‘Dr Dan Siegel devised the popular "window of tolerance" to help people understand whether their level of arousal was appropriate to the environment or task at hand. The Window of Tolerance is a fantastic tool when working with individual's who may have faced trauma and as a result find themselves dysregulating on a frequent basis.’ Image and words captured from www.openheartassets.com