42.

I am softer

In my body

And my heart 

Who knew that safety and thriving 

Would mean an extra 7kg

And the capacity to forgive the unforgivable? 

I am a student 

On the piano 

And on that blue mat

Humbled and rumbled 

By a 14 year old who can kick my butt 

With one swift arm bar

I am patient

Most of the time 

But not for delayed replies to my emails

Especially when moving through my to do list

Relies on your response 

#replytothefuckingemail

I am compassionate 

Sometimes to the detriment of my Self

But my inner child wounds run deep 

Into the abyss of 

“Don’t be too much”

So I let shit slide

When I shouldn’t 

I am avoidant

Because that’s what was modelled to me

But I am more aware of it

Which means there’s potential

For change 

Good things take time, you know?

I’m learning not to try and rescue everyone

As I have learnt that my worth

Is not tied into your freedom 

Or joy 

But I am empathic to sufferances

And believe that I cannot be truly free

If you’re not

So I am peace with suffering with you

I’m not doing any of the work these days 

Not breathing

Or yoga

Or meditation

Or plant medicine 

Or healing

Because I’ve remembered that 

Life is the ceremony

In the shock of the cold water at the end of my shower 

And the gentle scent of a candle that a friend has made

In the jar of honey my mum harvested

And a bike ride on a winter’s day with my dad

In the watching of my breath as I fall asleep

And the ability to sing 

And play a song on the piano at the same time

In the sweat and laughter as I roll at Jiu Jitsu

And the hilarious reels I watch late at night 

As I lay in front of the heater on the floor

So safe and warm

In the ice cream we eat every Thursday night

And the sun that warms up the couch on my porch at 11am

In the witnessing of the changes in my body

And laying peacefully but wide awake in the middle of the night

Thanks to being 42 and perimenopausal

Ceremony is in 

The way my daughter quivers with delight 

As she crawls into bed to find the hot water bottle

Under the blanket

It’s in the Being

In the body 

And the heart

And the world

I am peaceful

Understanding, and generous

And it is not lost on me  

That these years, these moments

Are everything I could have ever 

Dreamed them to be

And more

Tanya Savva