A LETTER TO MY SISTER

Sometimes life is really hard. It's painful, uncertain, exhausting and terrifying. Last year it was all of those things rolled into one big filthy experience that ripped my heart to shreds, tore my world apart, and shone a flood light on all the parts of my family that needed to be seen, even if none of us were ready or willing.

Big filthy experiences bring with them many blessings if you can get out of your own way to see its purpose. Nothing is random in this divinely intervened world. There are lessons and learnings in every experience, no matter how good or bad we perceive them, and I am unravelling many truths through a moment that presented the darkest one of my life. Sometimes life becomes so dark and futile you wonder if there will ever be a light again.

But of course there is.
And there will always be.
As is the case for me.

That while much of the slaughter that unfolded lingers a heavy weight in my awareness, I continue to live a joyous life despite the holes that remain in it. One of those holes is big - a place in my heart void of my youngest sister, who, in the depths of my personal trauma was catapulted into her own. Trauma can do that, you know? Your trauma can trigger trauma in others. 

There is much to say of my lived experiences in the past 11 months. And I'm not sure how or when this will happen. But this letter came out last night and I felt compelled to share it with you because I'm all about transparency and truth. This is a poem my heart wanted to speak to my little sister, who I haven't spoken to since July, but don't go a day without thinking about.

If you let me say hello, I’d hold you in my arms

And tell you that I love you, and that I always have

I’d sit down right beside you and look you in the eyes

And tell you that I’m sorry for the times I made you cry

I’d ask you ‘How are you?’ and I wouldn’t say a word

As you told me all your truths, and the things that really hurt

I’d wipe away your tears, because I know there’ll be a few

As I share my story with you and you tell me yours too

There are many words unspoken, for one too many years

It’s the reason words were spoken, powered by rage and many tears

I’d ask you about your girls and the wonderful life you live

And hope within my heart that time has helped you to forgive

For the times you felt my absence and felt let down by me

It was never my intention and I’m sorry to have not seen

That my actions spoke so loudly that you felt the need run

And closed the door so hard on me, our relationship now done

Ghosted by my sister, a bitter pill to swallow

Another day passes wondering if you’ll call tomorrow

A lesson for me in patience, as I wait another day

And sit in quiet reverence, until finally I pray

To a God or an entity, an energy of love

That repairs the wounds that shredded us and left me feeling numb

I had no idea you were hurting, another thing under the rug

This deadly silence quota that gathered a little more dust

Until that elephant in the room was too big to squeeze under

And it brought the shag pile carpet rolling back like a terrible thunder

So the secrets that you’ve carried heavy in your heart

Came flying out of mouth and tore our worlds apart

It’s a complex little story, I wish you’d spoken up back then

These hurts you’ve held in heart, now we’re all feeling the burden

Walking on egg shells, too scared to drop the curtain

On the truths that have silenced each of us. Everyone is hurting

If you let me say hello, I’d let you know I’m here

That the light has kissed the darkness and I’m feeling a little more clear

The cracks have bled me dry and I’ve seen my inner truths

The silence held me fiercely and I want to hold you too

We’re a reflection of one another, no stone is left unturned

So stay a little longer, this road between us burned

I will find my way back to you, this I know for sure

Because not a day passes that you’re not in my thoughts

If you let me say hello, I’d hold you in my arms

And tell you that I love you, and that I always have

This golden thread remains, connecting us at heart

A sister you are, always, no matter how many worlds apart