A LESSON FROM THE 'RONA

When I was rendered incapable of doing anything but resting with rona, I lay, speechless, motionless, activity-less, for the first time in forever, and she knew I was not ok. So she honoured the need for quiet, and softness, and she didn’t ask anything of me.

As I began to slowly build strength, regain energy and embody vitality, the demands she placed on me began to increase. But I only had the energy I needed to move enough, eat enough, and work enough.

Not a slither of energy in reserve for her idiosyncrasies, her random comments, her excessive “hey mums”.

And I realised, for the first time ever in the 13 years she’s been with me earth side, just how much of me goes to her.

When I’m well, it’s not a second thought to respond to her requests, to do things on autopilot, to meet the demands.

But as I continue to return to a state of pre-rona health, my window of tolerance has shrunk.

I’m more protective of what I share with her. And resentful, at times, for how the diversity in her brain renders her incapable of self responsibility, self regulation, and a reliance on me that has stripped me bare to my bones.

Relentless.
Unforgiving.
Never-fucking-ending.

I’m tired. The kind of tired I’ve never had the space to acknowledge. The kind of tired that is stopping me in my tracks, unable to engage in the things that brought me great joy just a month ago. Because I’m preserving reserves of energy that I abused for 13 years.

It caught up.

And I see now, just how hard it’s been.
And I feel now, just how taxing it will continue to be.

My nervous system fretting for the “what will be’s” in days, years, decades to come.
Will she always need this much of me?

Breathe ... pause ... rest ...

It’s just a momentary blimp in consciousness. A new awareness that can break me, or mould me into a new version that honours us both.

Protects us both.

I deserve the same protection and care that I’ve given her.

Actually, I deserve it more. Because there is no her, thriving and functional, without me, thriving. I can only give what I've got.

So me now, her next.
Me first, her second.

The tides have changed and I can't unknow what I know. So I must slowLY embody a new, unfamiliar giving to Self.