AM I TRAPPED OR FREE?

A couple of weeks ago Mackenzie didn’t want to attend a school excursion. On the morning of, she had a huge melt down and ended up staying at school. I didn’t know why she didn’t want to go until she finally confessed that was anxious and afraid of the blinker on the bus.

We talked about her fear and ways to avoid hearing the blinker, and how, despite this being a new and unexpected trigger of her anxiety, she wouldn’t be able to avoid the bus forever and we needed to find a way to move through it.

She had another excursion this week and had already decided she wouldn’t have to go. We discussed options and suggestions for how she could support herself through hearing the blinker (sitting at the back, requesting the radio play, wearing headphones), and she agreed to go.

But only if I was on the bus with her.

I was compassionate to her needs and grateful to support her, but I felt frustrated and annoyed that the complexities of her diagnosis meant I had to change my plans and cancel my clients.

I spent most of the day in this state of annoyance and missed an opportunity to be fully present and enjoy the day out.

When I sat with how I was feeling I realised that underneath the frustration was sadness. I felt sad that her needs are so great at times that she can’t engage in the every day. I felt sad that her needs impact on me and my life in ways that are too big to contain at times.

And I realised I’ve created the illusion that my feeling of freedom is conditional. I have perceived freedom as being able to go to work and do the things I enjoy whilst Kenz is at school. And when she can’t go and I can’t do what I had planned, I don’t feel free.

I feel trapped and that my life is dictated by her needs, rather than my own.

I cried when I understood this and became aware of the potential ramifications for such conditions. In 5 years she won’t be at school … how ‘trapped’ will I feel then if my perception of freedom is based on her daily presence in activities away from me?

I allowed myself to feel it all and then remembered the teaching of non attachment. My inability to accept and engage in things as they are helped me to remember that I freedom is already here, in my heart, in our lives, in the being present, the being together, the ability to change plans, the support that allowed me to be there for her.

It is never the situation, but our perception about it that causes suffering.

It’s a big one, this feeling of freedom. So although I have a deep understanding of what I needed to see, I am still moving through it. As our lives will continue to present challenges where she heavily relies on me, I hope I continue to remember that freedom exists in the being OK with things exactly as they are.